Hot Topic Hiring Surge

“Hot Topic shopping mall clothing retailer for goth, emo, and scene kids goes on unprecedented hiring spree in preparation for sales surge leading up to next years ‘When We Were Young’ Music Festival?”

Hot Topic Hiring Surge Emo When We Were Young Music Festival

Hot Topic Mall Retailer Goes On Hiring Surge In Preparation for Upcoming Emo Music Festival?

Shopping malls still exist… we learned this week, as the poorly lit clothing retail chain that keeps playing the same Greenday song over and over is sending shock waves through the labor market. While many brick and mortars are hoping America gets so bored it is left with no other viable alternative but to visit a shopping mall, Hot Topic (the amazon of emo) is looking to hire ten million emo retail clerks in anticipation of an upcoming music festival slated to take place in Las Vegas this October. Applicants are encouraged to bring their resumes, their feelings, a choker necklace, black eye shadow, and their favorite band shirt. The band shirt sales forecast for summer is so strong that the retailer has leased every square foot of the mall of America which will be renamed to the “mAll (of the) American Rejects”.

Turnover of Good Charlotte shirts sized one size too small could very well be a Simple Plan which Saves the Day for the retail real-estate industry facing rising interest rates. A Starting Line leading towards a New Found Glory for the aging shopping malls of America’s Wonder Years. Consumer Movements to Rise Against the Four Year Strong e-commerce shopping trends which Used to be The Story of the Year. The industry’s Senses Failed when it really Knuckle Pucked the online shopping Turnover leading to a new All Time Low. But the festival announcement on Thursday really Set It Off and made it a Day to Remember.

– Band Shirt Industry Analyst willing to Say Anything at Something Corporate

The Plan to Turn Feelings into Financials

coachellamus fomosis spell being cast by music industry wizards to generate fomo for upcoming music festival
Live Event Music Industry Wizards Casting Proprietary “Coachellamus Fomosis” Spell for Upcoming Festival

Many modern music festivals are booked according to a complex system of historical ticket sales data, favors between industry dirtbags, and a consortium of wizards residing in the depths of TicketMaster’s headquarters who have been specially trained to cast spells which maximize FOMO amongst the general public. But the soon to be emo scene revival was uniquely positioned to try a different approach.

By 2020 the majority of the MySpace era bands were now unemployed adults searching for meaning in their lives after one of their own (lead screamer Sonny of the band From First to Last) betrayed them by dropping a broken fax machine on the 2009 Warped Tour wiping out emo town once and for all. And this provided a unique opportunity for us… hire ALL of the emos… and for pennies on the dollar. Every last one of those skinny jean wearing purple haired heroes of the MySpace age.

– A&R Guy / Dirt Bag

Executives were ecstatic at the idea! After all, the recording industry had always struggled to profit off the feelings of the youth from the era of free downloaded music. But with the new festival plan in motion, the artists of the early 2000’s would finally live up to the definitive purpose of all art… money. But even the the most money mad music profiteers were unprepared for the financial avalanche that they had put in motion, and not because of ticket sales.

former emo sonny aka skrillex dropping fax machine on the warped tour ending emo town once and for all
The day the genre died. Former emo Sonny aka Skrillex dropping a broken fax machine on the Warped Tour. The subsequent impact of undulating bass frequencies, blinding LED walls, and loud rhythmic printer noises sent out a shockwave which wiped out every last feeling in emo town forever.

The Band Shirt Shit Show

When news of the 2022 emo festival hit tiktok (Vertical Video Myspace) Hot Topic locations across the country were caught off guard by the influx of sad bois looking to buy Good Charlotte shirts one size to small. Retail clerks who had been taking a nap since 2009 awoke to find hoards of goth, emo, and scene kids breaking down their doors in a desperate attempt to get their hands on the antique apparel hanging from the racks.

But our vintage stock ran out in minutes while the line of skinny jeans stretched out the door. Chaos ensued….

– Former Emo Retail Clerk (now in therapy with PTSD)

When the long line of scene kids was informed that they would not be able to get their hands on any Good Charlotte merch, the tears of the sad emos began to flow. The emotional storm water rose so high that the malls of America were collectively flooded and subsequently evacuated.

In tragedy’s such as this, it can be difficult to assign a monetary value to the devastation. What I can say definitely is that Auntie Annes pretzels were all very soggy afterward… a salty, tangled, and tasty wound which could take generations to heal.

– Insurance Adjustor Assigned to the Great Flood of 2022 Emo Tears
emo tears from when we were young music festival hot topic sales surge flooding mall and soggy pretzels
The great flood of emo tears 2022. Sad emos that were unable to get their hands on Good Charlotte band t-shirts at Hot Topic let loose a river of tears which flooded the malls of America leaving all the pretzels at Auntie Anne’s soggy.

Emo and Dubstep Tunes

This wouldn’t be a RPF article without a shameless plug of our Spotify playlist The Rock Pop Fashion Weekly Update. Follow it. Do it now. We know nostalgia sells so we put Taking Back Sunday and Skrillex on there to remind you of the Myspace days. Follow the playlist. Embed it on your myspace page. Ask the checkout clerk at Hot Topic to put it on in the store… then film it, post it, and tag us.

2022 Festival – A Very Emotional Day

Here is a painfully slow and detailed account of the 2022 festival from a sad emo that we strongly encourage you not to watch. Youtube software engineers decided to add the playback 2x function to the platform because of this vlogger:

Last Years Emo Festival Lineup

Hot Topic Hiring Surge Emo When We Were Young Music

When We Were Young 2023 Festival Info

When We Were Young Festival is slated to take place on October 23, 2023 at the Las Vegas Festival Grounds from 11AM to 12 AM. No time slots have been announced at this time, nor have tickets gone on sale, but you can join a waitlist with the other emos. General admission, VIP, and hotel packages will become available at some point in the near future. There will be multiple stages of varying sizes placed around the festival grounds with several bands performing at the same time. Full lineup details including set times and performances by stage will be released closer to the festival.

When We Were Young 2023 Festival Lineup

When We Were Young 2023 Festival Dress Code

  • Band T-Shirt Strongly Encouraged
  • Skinny Jeans Strongly Encouraged
  • Sad boi haircut Strongly Encouraged
  • “Dark” Tattoos Strongly Encouraged
  • Choker Necklace Strongly Encouraged
  • Black Eye Shadow Also Strongly Encouraged
Hot Topic Hiring Surge Emo When We Were Young Music Festival