“A coalition partnership of Hollywood studios, talent agencies, and union representatives announce landmark partnership agreement with manufacturers of Ozempic to guarantee future supply and fixed rate pricing.”
The Huge Hollywood Ozempic Deal
How it all began… The Elephants in the Room
One Tuesday night late last year under the cover of darkness at the Chateau Marmont, a secret cabal comprising some of the biggest players in Hollywood assembled to eat bacon-wrapped filet mignon, stuffed mushrooms, fried dumplings, buttered lobster rolls, three cheese truffle tortellini, and cheescake… and to discuss a massive disaster which loomed very heavy on the horizon for the bloated industry.
But surprisingly, the massive issue at hand was not an attempt at recovering the general public’s good-will after the comically disastrous “Imagine” pandemic sing-a-long. Instead, this secretive group of very very big players (including studio heads, presidents of the major talent agencies, union representatives, entertainment attorneys, and other dirtbags) had put aside their own egos and assembled to address a far bigger quagmire… the worsening supply shortage of Ozempic in tinseltown.
Those were heavy times.
– Huge Studio Head
In the years leading up to the pandemic, a group of scientific researchers housed in the basement of CAA’s headquarters had made an incredible industry changing discovery: a relatively unknown but potentially life-saving medication needed by diabetics could be taken from them and instead used to help more important A-list talent with weight loss. This massively large discovery would go on to truly shift the scales of power in the industry… in a real big way.
Ozempic in Hollywood… A Truly Massive Success Story
Ozempic hit the streets of Hollywood harder than a hippo falling from a 20th story Beverly Hills penthouse. The major television studios were soon ordering the miracle pill by the truckload in order to keep up with the demand of their on-contract talent. Record labels reportedly re-assigned their A&R reps (who typically specialize in cocaine) to instead supply the new weight loss medication to their pop stars. One film studio is rumored to have commandeered a C130 heavy lift cargo aircraft (being used as a stunt vehicle on the set of the 12th installment of the Fast and Furious franchise) in order to use the plane to transport five pallets of Ozempic from over seas when domestic supplies reached critical levels in May of last year.
Reasons for Ozempic’s Popularity in Hollywood
- Exercise requires effort.
- The saying “It’s Whats on the Inside that Counts” is a crock of shit.
The issue became so gravid in Hollywood that we decided to add the song “The Weight” by The Band to our infamous Rock Pop Fashion Weekly Update Spotify playlist which you should all follow for some great tunes!
The beefy issue finally broke the scales of Hollywood when the desperate city council was forced to issue a moratorium preventing C-list, B-list, and even A-list talent from filling up their swimming pools with ozempic (a tik-tok trend amongst Hollywood elites looking to stockpile the drug). D-list talent were not mentioned in the new legislative ruling due to their general inability to afford the weight loss drug (which had shot up 4000% in pricing since its discovery for something useful other than stupid/borring diabetes).
Biggest Terms of the Ozempic Hollywood Deal
Let me tell you… it’s a big day for big folks in Hollywood.
– Big Time Hollywood Agent
weighty terms rumored to now be in effect under the massive deal:
- Hollywood sign to be replaced by beautiful new Ozempic sign (part of 360 branding deal with naming rights).
- Studios and talent agencies to form “single-payer” buyer’s union to lock in fair pricing for A-list talent who are now in financial distress due to Twitters new $8 monthly blue checkmark fees.
- Hollywood writers to not portray diabetics in a positive light to prevent any potential sympathy for their cause.
- Craft services union agrees to place bowls of Ozempic at crafty tables on every film and television set.
- A state-of-the-art Ozempic manufacturing facility to be installed on the 5th floor of CAA’s Century City office.
