“SAG-AFTRA (a union which represents a couple of famous actors and the majority of Uber drivers in Los Angeles) has caused an enormous disturbance in the force with its recent decision to go on strike leaving Rebel Resistance forces on planet Jakku short staffed in their epic multi episode galactic war against the First Order.”
Actors Strike Causes Imbalance in the Force
The galactic imbalance has stemmed from the fact that The Rebel Resistance is staffed almost entirely by union fighters while the First Order (formerly known as the empire) made a decision episodes ago to move to CGI based droid fighters while requiring union talent only to talk. But talking is not required to fire a blaster, swing a lightsaber, or fly a fighter… and The First Order has been taking full advantage.
First Order Captures Resistance Bases
In the weeks since the beginning of the strike, and subsequence absence of rebels on the battlefield, the empire lead by Kylo Ren has managed to destroy multiple rebel bases and recapture multiple planets including: Jakku, Agamar, Atollon, Dagobah, and Takodana.
Emperor Palpatine Strikes Burbank
While some galactic strategists believed that the absence of Emperor Palpatine (the First Order’s only union member) would hinder it’s ability to crush the rebel scum, this prediction could not have been farther from the reality we have since seen play out in the latest episode from the franchise which never ends.
Kylo Ren seems to have really found himself in the absence of that weasel-dick Palpatine. It almost seems as if his true dark power was being held back by the emperor (who is currently fulfilling his union obligations by walking in circles on the sidewalk while holding a sign in Burbank, a city on planet Earth). Kylo Ren’s recent planetary captures have really cemented his role within the First Order, within the galaxy, and within the franchise itself. Only time will tell if shareholders and boardmembers are impressed enough by his recent victories to appoint Kylo CEO of the entire magical mouse kingdom.– Non-union Wookie writer for the The Galactic Times
Resistance Rebel Numbers Dwindle
In contrast to the fully staffed First Order, the Rebel Alliance has left behind only a couple of ewoks, R2D2, and C-3P0 who were spotted pacing back and forth while visibly worried and murmuring something about “The Rebel’s earthly communism jeopardizing the Resistance’s galactic marxism”. With so few souls left behind, the Resistance is falling as flat as the throne room scene without music.
Restoring Balance to the Force?
In response to the planetary in-balance, some Hollywood insiders have called on two guys named Bob (believed to be the puppet masters behind The Resistance and The First Order) to send a well known mouse character and his silly sidekick dog to Jakku to temporarily fill in the ranks of The Resistance while the rebel fighters are on the picket lines. A nice thought, but the Bobs are rumored to believe that this just isn’t possible due to the famous cartoon characters being on a very important (and relatively permanent) business trip to Bejing.
Figure it out Hollywood, we are bored, and need you to come back and deliver more cinematic masterpieces written by humans like Sharknado 4 and Ghost Busters 2. Because we have a habit of promoting our Spotify playlist: Rock Pop Fashion Weekly Update… this seems like a good place in the article to mention that we have randomly added the theme song to Ghost Busters. Follow the playlist.
In other unrelated news… Rock Pop Fashion is currently looking to hire an expert in the field of machine learning to implement a sarcastic AI writing system so we no longer have to spend time creating content for this low traffic train-wreck of a website. If you know someone who can help take our jobs, please get in touch.